Deluge on Verbal Abuse

I believe this post needs trigger warnings for domestic violence and verbal abuse.

I was involved in a relationship for three or so years that could be described as classic verbal abuse and probably marital rape. I am always afraid to talk about my experience because I'm afraid it will piss my ex off again and he'll start a smear campaign against me. Every book I ever write will get horrible reviews from he and his friends who will descend upon me like a pack of jackals. Everyone will believe him and what he says about me. All the work I have done to bring myself up and make a good name for myself will be besmirched by half truths and lies. Not only that, he'll start a private message campaign to email bomb me with all the terrible things he can think to say to me. If it's like the last one, he will blame it on his wife or girlfriend, saying she's the one who said it to me.

A friend of mine posted this video to Youtube. I tried to leave them just a simple little note, which is the first paragraph. And then the anxiety takes over and it becomes a deluge. I didn't stop. I let it all roll out. Then I posted it here.

If you are at all triggered by verbal abuse, please do not watch this video. I think that's what happened to me. I thought I could handle it. I couldn't. Too many memories came flooding back.

This doesn't even go into the day in and day out wearing down they do on you. You only get one small piece of the puzzle. You don't get the condescension when you ask a simple question. You don't get the feeling of being stupid and not knowing anything. You don't get the jumping at small things. You don't see what happens to her once everyone goes home. "Why did you do that? Why did you have to change your clothes? What's wrong with the dress I picked out for you? What, am I not good enough for you anymore? Well? What's wrong? Why aren't you answering me? ANSWER ME!"

I know what happens after the camera cuts off. I've been there. I've lived it. And if I could say something to anyone who hasn't been there... the bitch in the kitchen was just ADDING TO THE FIRE. "Get over yourself."

FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW. You don't LIVE WITH THIS EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF EVERY FUCKING DAY. But we won't say that, either. Because we can't. Every word of standing up for ourselves against someone else's wishes is DROWNED IN OUR THROATS because we don't want to have to argue our case against our significant other. They'll just turn it around on us. And the worst part? The fucking abuser won't see anything wrong. They're just asserting themselves. They're just making sense of their household. They're just making their lives ordered and sensible and HOW could I NOT SEE THAT? How can I not see how fucking difficult I make their life day in and day out every time they have to talk to me about these things. "No, I don't expect you to read my mind!"

And under the words is the underlying current of "you're so fucking stupid, why would you even fucking think that?" Every. Day. Of. My. LIFE. For three? Four years? And they don't show how it starts, either. How it's just one thing they don't like about you. And so you change it to make their life easier because they would do it for you, right? And then it's just one more thing. And then its anything that you find pleasure or joy in. Why do you do that? You're doing nothing but make a mess everywhere. Or, worse, he throws a fucking tantrum and chucks all your shit in a bag and throws it out on the back porch because it's where he wants to sit. Then only sits there for about five minutes before going back over onto the sofa and turning the channel on what you were watching.

That was the first thing I noticed. He walked in the door and turned off her music that she was listening to because he didn't want to listen to it. She should have no desires that don't reflect his wants, wishes and desires. He is the only important thing. His feelings, his wishes, his wants and desires come first, second and last because at the end of the day, he is the only person who matters.

I see it in her. She wants to scream "I AM A REAL FUCKING PERSON AND I HAVE WANTS AND DESIRES AND SOMETIMES I JUST WANT A PLACE OF MY OWN TO BE AS MESSY AS I WANT WITHOUT YOU COMING IN AND FUCKING WITH IT", but she can't say that. I saw it in her face when he was criticizing her dress. She wanted to wear it because she likes it. Because she wants to look nice. Because it's her anniversary and she wants to look nice. She's not dressing up for his friends. She was probably dressing up for him. And under it, dressing up for her. Ohgod. If she said it, though, he would come down on her with the condescending tone and the little nitpicking about her details and the way it interferes with what HE wants to do.

Why is the house always such a fucking mess? Why is there never food on the table? Why don't you do anything around here? I don't make the mess. I don't have to clean it up. You're the one who always makes all the mess. Why should I have to clean up after other people?

Nevermind I cleaned up after him. And me. And I really didn't make that many messes.

Now every time I leave something on the table, I'm worried someone is going to have a fucking hissy fit. I'm going to get the whole "Why the fuck is this STILL OUT HERE? You should have cleaned it up DAYS ago." I'm worried I'm going to have to dance on eggshells because someone loses their shit because I'm sitting at the computer writing instead of cleaning the house. I'm worried when I go back for something, it won't be there because someone has already "taken care of it" and it's in the trash or boxed up somewhere or who knows what else.

I get sick to my stomach every time someone raises their voice near me. I want to run and hide and cry. I don't want to hear how big of a fucking failure I am at EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. I don't want to hear how the things in my life that bring me pleasure are an inconvenience to someone else. I don't want to hear that I'm in the way. I don't want to have to bend my will and my being to someone else anymore. But that fear is there and it will NEVER GO AWAY. I will ALWAYS FEAR. I will ALWAYS change myself to fit other people to avoid conflict because I have been molded into this fearful thing. It's why I'm afraid to have emotions. I was being "emotional" and "ridiculous" because I was upset at things he said. He didn't say anything to me. I'm just taking it the wrong way. How can I take what he said to be anything other than just a comment? It wasn't his problem I was crying because he was yelling at me. He wasn't even raising his voice, so how was he yelling at me? "You have to RAISE YOUR VOICE LIKE THIS TO BE YELLING! WAS I YELLING? WAS I? NOW I'M YELLING! YOU DON'T LIKE THAT, DO YOU?!"

And the line that really hurt me the most? I lost a string of jobs, one after the other, most because he gave me a pager. I had to call him every time it went off. If I didn't call, he thought I wasn't at work. Nevermind I couldn't call until I was on break because I was on machines I literally could not stop running until the batch was done. I lost the most recent job because I wasn't good at pushing for water surveys on the phone as a telemarketer. When I told him I lost the job, he said to me: "Maybe if you could keep a job, this wouldn't keep happening!"

They make you so dizzy and crazy you can't think in a straight line anymore because they get mad at you for one thing and then turn around and say "No, you know what, that's cool."

Now wait a fucking minute. You said three months ago that you didn't want me talking to Nikki anymore. Now it's okay that I'm talking to her again? And then a month later he blows his fucking stack because I'm talking to Nikki.

OMG I'M FOLLOWING YOUR FUCKING RULES AS YOU FUCKING LAID THEM OUT, YOU CRAZY ASSHOLE, AND NOW YOU'RE ON MY ASS ABOUT THIS AGAIN???

Or it wouldn't be about that thing. He's moved on to something ELSE that his world just CAN'T MOVE ON without ME CHANGING about MYSELF to make him more comfortable.

And the thing is... they make you think that everything about their request is reasonable. They make you think that they're just making you a better person because they love you. They're shaping you to be better. And your friends do that all the time, right? And your friends DO do that all the time. "Get over yourself. What dress did you really want to wear tonight?"

I wanted to wear the dress that wouldn't piss him off. I don't want everyone pissed off at me. He's always pissed off at me all the time. I just want to do whatever won't cause him to talk to me like that anymore. If I can just learn the pattern, I can fall into shadows and just be there in the right place at the right time and he won't have to say mean things to me anymore. And it's not so much what they say as how and when they say it. I don't know if people who haven't lived through it will really grasp what is going on there.

"What dress did you really want to wear tonight?"

And the very subtle thing there? Was that she DID WHAT HER FRIEND TOLD HER TO DO, which is the same as what Fred did.

All we want is to make people happy so they don't yell at us or lose their tempers or slam their fucking fist down on the table in the middle of dinner, making you think you did something wrong and then making you wonder for the rest of the night what you did and how you did it and what punishment you're getting and how long you're going to be lectured.

And you do it all the time. With everything in your life. For the rest of your life. Forever.

You will always question every time someone makes a comment about the things you've done. And you won't fight back. You will change it about yourself to keep away from conflict or confrontation. You will think seething things in your head, but on the surface you'll play it smooth and calm and just learn to avoid the situation in the future. You will anticipate. You will go above and beyond to make sure everyone else around you is always doing what they're supposed to be doing, too, because when the bossman comes down on the entire department, he's really coming down on you for not holding things together.

Or, like my fucking ex did to me... He would get pissed at something. He would snap at me. He would give me the cold shoulder. "No, it's not you." But it clearly WAS ME because the fucking asshole would be passive aggress toward me and to NOBODY ELSE. JUST ME! Just me. Everyone else he was at least civil to. But not me. I bore the brunt of it because it was my fault. Even when it wasn't my fault, it was my fault. He would say it wasn't me, but then secretly it WAS me... or, worse, it wouldn't have started with me, but he took it out on me long enough that he FOUND SOMETHING ABOUT ME TO BLAME ME FOR.

And to this fucking day. If ANYONE raises their voice to me, I shut down. I close up. I get sick to my stomach. I throw up. I cry. I get diarrhea. I don't eat. I get quiet. I get scared. I shake. I have trouble breathing. I do the nervous leg thing. I suck on my gums. I rub the webbing between my fingers. I obsessively clean my teeth with my tongue. I don't want to sit still but I'm afraid to leave whatever place I've settled myself into. I want to go curl up in the bedroom and hide in the closet, but I can't because what if whoever is mad at me wants to go in there? EVEN IF THE PERSON WHO RAISED THEIR VOICE AT ME IS MY FUCKING BOSS WHO DOESN'T EVEN LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR ME. They might want to come into my closet and use it and then I'll be there and I'll be in their way and then they'll get even more mad at me and yell at me more. And if the stress goes on long enough, I start passing out randomly. I lose consciousness cooking dinner. I have to decide what the best course of action is. Should I go home? Should I stay out? What's going to make the least amount of impact? What's going to get me in the least amount of trouble? Where do I go? What do I do? How do I do it? What's the answer here??

I'm like my dog. She's trying so damned desperately to please me and I'm not giving her the signals she understands. I have to stay calm. I have to keep directing her and doing it repetitively until she understands. It's okay. No, I'm not angry, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with a situation, not you. And my dog won't understand words. She understands actions.

Now because of this, everyone in my life has to do this with me. I will ask everyone at some point, "Are we still cool? Have I done anything to upset you?" If I have, I will apologize and do whatever I can to make it right. Because in the end, all I want is peace and love and to feel like I've not done anything wrong in my life. Ever.

Because every time something goes wrong, even when it's not my fault, I blame myself for not doing _x_.

i.e My coworker is bitching that me blowing my nose is gross. I should have been more thoughtful and gone outside to blow my nose because, as she loudly decreed from her room where she thought I couldn't hear her, "Close the fucking door. I don't wanna hear that shit". The door WAS closed. But, because I upset someone, I take responsibility and blame. I don't blow my nose around them anymore.

i.e. When two friends and I went out to dinner one night and I made the comment that I tried not to complain too much because I didn't want to be like that, my friend says, "Well, you do complain a lot." Since that time probably a year ago, I have continually made the effort not to complain about anything to that friend. I have made it a point not to complain to anyone, for that matter. Because I don't want to be the person who complains all the time. No one wants to hear my complaints. Nobody likes a person who isn't sunshine and roses all the time. It's exhausting to be "on" all the time.

i.e. Someone on Twitter makes general commentary about people. I find some fault in myself and apologize profusely for being an asshole. Which generally leads to either that person telling me to shut the fuck up or another person telling me that no one was talking about ME in particular. I don't want to hurt anybody. I'm horribly sensitive to people hurting and being hurt. I want to save the entire world from people hurting them because I've BEEN THERE and I don't want anyone to feel like a steaming pile of shit just because someone thinks they aren't whatever they're "supposed" to be.

All thanks to someone shoving a coat hanger in my brain and rooting it around like he did.

It doesn't seem like anything from this video could bring out a reaction so strong in someone like this, does it? That I'm sitting here with my knees going a mile a minute and my throat is tight and I have tears welling up that I can't shed because if I cry, it might piss someone off. My chest hurts. I want to run and cry and hide, but if I do that, someone's going to ask what is wrong and I can't let anyone know something is wrong or what is wrong. I have to lie. Just like I lied for him all the time.

No, everything's fine. We're not fighting. That's just how he is. I'm being too sensitive. I'm being ridiculous.

Suck it up. Suck it in. Get over it. Deal with it. Tell him off! Tell him you won't put up with this anymore! Move on! Find someone who treats you better.

And when I did, we had to talk about it on HIS time. When HE felt like it. For as LONG as he felt like it. And when he was done discussing it, the conversation was over even when I hadn't gotten even five minutes to give my say on something.

After awhile I just agreed with everything he said because it was just easier than fighting over it all the time. You want me to wear the black and white dress? Fine. It's not that big of a deal. You want me to work three jobs to pay the bills and still come home and cook you meals and clean the house? Okay, fine. I'll just dig a little deeper. I'll find a way to do it.

Even now when my current S/O says to me; "We're short on money. I don't know why we can't get ahead. We're going to have to wait on this bill payment." my answer is to find a way to make more money.

Hm. I can pick up a second job. I could find a way to work it around my current work schedule. I'd only have to give up on a little free time. I'd just not write as much even though I'm finally making headway with my stories. I can give up a little sleep if that means we can pay down some bills or something. I can stop eating out. I'll just cook more at home. Sure that will take up more time, but it's all right. I can find a way to do it. I'm resourceful. Maybe I could start selling plasma even though I'm terrified of needles and pass out every time. It will force me to get over my fear. It would be a good thing in the long run. That girl I worked with Erin said it made her tired the day after, but she felt better afterward. It would be good for my health. Maybe I'll stop feeling so tired and shitty all the time, then. Hm. I know I can't get more hours at work without giving up Mondays. Monday is my day to do special things. I could give that up for awhile. It's not a big deal. I don't need to do things for me. Just think how great it will feel to have all that debt paid down and be free from the yolk! Yeah! We'll just dig a little further down. We've got more to give. We can give more. We're not down and out yet.

Until I crash and burn and wind up in the hospital because I've burned my candle too low at both ends.

But the answer has to come from me. It's not right of me to expect anyone else to do anything. Besides, how would I go about saying something to them without pissing them off at me? I don't want to be sick for a week because I had to say something to someone about something. It's really not worth my health to have to be combative. Besides, they work hard all the time. They're tired. They don't feel good. They work just as hard as I do. They have a stressful job. It's okay. I can do this.

Oh. Well, the doctor says it's not lupus and there's no signs of lupus because the ANA test came back negative. I guess that's the end of that. I must just be a hypochondriac. That's all that is. I'm just being irrational. Everyone hurts all the time and has joint pain. How many people come in to the office with the same complaints you're having. You're just looking for an excuse to feel bad. You're looking for an excuse to take it easy. You're looking for a reason to be lazy. Get off your ass more, lazy ass! Your only excuse is you're fat and don't take care of yourself. That's why you hurt. There's no other reason for it.

Is anyone seeing the circular reasoning? Anybody?

We talk ourselves into things because we've never been allowed to feel entitled to anything. Everyone else's wishes are superior to our own. It's not a choice. It's been ingrained. It takes years of psychotherapy to unravel. And even then... it's never really gone. All it takes is one word. One phrase. One snotty attitude out of somebody. And if you speak up, you're the asshole. Because you've been the victim of the asshole, you don't want to BE the asshole.

Are you seeing it? Circular reasoning?

Never Without my Permission

I read twitter when I'm procrastinating. Rather it be writing, re-writing, revisions or edits, I procrastinate on twitter. Most of the time it's full of book promotions and other writers like me procrastinating. But sometimes things cross my feed that set me off.

Sexual assault is still prevalent and completely misunderstood as being an offense. Earlier today I was so pissed off I was in tears because a woman I follow on Twitter was sexually assaulted and then questioned rather or not she really was assaulted because sexual assault has happened to her twice in 48 hours and five times in the last 18 months. Worse, the assault happened at a Pride celebration, a place where queer people of whatever gender and orientation should feel comfortable and accepted.

I have so many issues with this I can't write it all clearly. I vented some of my frustration over twitter before taking some time away from the computer to ramble-rant at my other half about the situation. It is unfathomable to me that any person believes they are entitled to touch another person without their permission. A human being's body does not belong to any other human being and under no circumstance is it acceptable to grab another human being's crotch for any reason.

I was eight years old when I saw the movie Crocodile Dundee. In one scene, Mick is in a bar and is approached by a woman he finds attractive.

Even at eight years old, I knew that was wrong. I learned in Safety Town you don't touch people in areas covered by their bathing suits and that area would most certainly be covered by a bathing suit. I remember telling my parents and they told me it was just a movie. I never thought something like that would happen in real life. Ever.

Now at 35, I realize it does happen and it happens in real life, even at Pride celebrations. And, much to my chagrin, it's not just men. My friend was assaulted by a woman who found it perfectly acceptable to stick her hand on another woman's genitals, unsolicited.

WHO DOES THAT?? Rhetorical question with very real answers. For some reason, people seem to think it is okay to touch a transgender person without their permission in order to identify their sex. Trans* men and women and other gender non-binary persons are not barnyard animals we need to separate from one another. They are not dolls. They don't owe you a feel so you can satisfy your own idiocy.

Would you be okay with someone walking up and grabbing your junk to satisfy their morbid curiousity?

Nearly 50% of transgender and gender non-binary individuals experience sexual violence in their lifetime. Let me restate that. FIFTY PERCENT. HALF OF THE TRANSGENDER POPULATION HAVE EXPERIENCED SEXUAL VIOLENCE IN THEIR LIFETIME.

WHY IS THIS OKAY?

My friend questioned rather a person grabbing her crotch was legitimate sexual violence. She asked a police officer she trusted if that would constitute sexual assault. The officer confirmed that grabbing someone by the genitals is sexual assault and persons grabbing someone by the genitals would be charged as a sex offender.

And let's talk a little bit about why many transgender men and women don't go for help. I have enough here I can bullet a list:

1. There is a prevailing theory that men cannot be raped. Men often do not report rape because of the stigma. They are called "lucky" because they "got some" or a "pussy" because they couldn't fend off a woman or a man.
2. Police and medical personnel enforce the belief that transgender people are to blame for their assault or they are flat out not believed that the abuse happened in the first place.
3. Many victim services locations are segregated by sex. Many clinics are not educated or are plain ignorant when it comes to transgender or gender non-binary victims.
4. Transgender men and women are misidentified not only in media but on a personal and federal level.
5. Trans* people are often arrested instead of the perpetrator of violence, thus reinforcing their forced feelings of guilt. Transgender people and gender non-binary people are made to feel they deserve the abuse. Often they are told they aren't really their gender or are made to feel they are lying for being trans*.
6. Transgender people are often sought out for their situation. So called "trans chasers" are often abusive and pressure their victims into rape situations. They are told to consider it a compliment that someone wants to be with them.
7. Mental health providers often enforce these stereotypes and societal norms and alienate the victim further. They self medicate. They become depressed. They commit suicide.
8. They are not heard. No one listens. No one gives a fuck. And this bears repeating: because of this, they commit suicide. Half of transgender people commit suicide.

They commit suicide. Gender different people are killing themselves because they are being beaten, raped and killed and no one will listen, support or defend them. They are a minority in a minority. They have been beaten back so far that they are too downtrodden to speak up and speak out. The LGBT community, of which the "T" stands for "transgender", shoves Trans* rights to the back of the list. Yes, gay people are being killed, but the numbers are less than those of transgender individuals.

• 10 myths about transgender people
• GLAAD reference for transgender people
• Crime Against Nature- Hints for Allies

My Awesome Ideas Book

As I was cleaning out my bin of crap (I have a catch-all three drawer thing in my kitchen where I write), I realized tonight I have a complete stationary problem. I have an entire pencil pouch full of highlighters. Another holds my sharpie markers. I have a third for colored pens and another for drawing pencils and erasers.

In among this I also found a huge amount of sticky notes. I have seventeen different packs of sticky notes in various sizes and colors.

Over the years I've bought a LOT of journals. Some of them have cool sayings. Some of them were made of pressed paper. Others had gilded edges or leather covers. I have kept them and never done anything with them because nothing I can think of to do with them is cool enough and I feel like I would be wasting them. I buy them, I keep them and they sit and collect dust.

That is, until this one:

I picked this up on clearance during a late night run to WalMart. I thought I could fill it with all the story ideas I have running around in different binders. I could put the storyboards I've done into it and have everything all in once place. I brought it home, opened it up and then the inevitable happened.

I froze. I couldn't write anything in it because then it would be ruined and I wouldn't have it forever AND be able to keep all my notes in it. Once it was full, it was full. There was no way to organize thoughts and once it was on the page, it was there. I couldn't move it around or change anything.

Permanent. And unacceptable.

Well, until I could convince myself to write in the pages, I would take the stack of sticky notes I'd been storyboarding on and tuck them safely inside on the first page. I could go back for them later.

And that was when it hit me. I didn't have to write on the pages at all! I could write on STICKY NOTES and TACK THEM TO THE PAGES!

If an idea needed moved, I would move the note. If I got more information about book promotion, I could shift all my ideas down a page. If I screwed something up, I could pull it off the page, throw out the sticky note and write a new one. My journal destroying days were over! No longer would I have to watch a beautiful journal sit on the shelf unused!

It has been really handy. The inside cover has my Scrivener key, my Vent info for guild chat and the password to the WiFi that I am constantly losing. I have information about recent things I need to keep a hand on, like my doctor's info and my sales info for DoTerra. Then there's information about my Flight Rising account, what armor I was working on for my World of Warcraft Warrior (that is probably seriously outdated at this point) and promotion efforts for books. I have useful email addresses like the people I send beta reads to and my crit partners. I have blog entry ideas and submission calls I want to submit for. And then there are the pages shown above.

The image above is what my storyboards look like. I have questions from my editor on a little arrow. I have research about the story on sticky notes. Little plot ideas are tucked in on tiny notes. Big plot points are on the larger notes. Right now they're all spread out. I get an idea, I jot it down, slap it on the page and worry about the rest later. I can spread it out over other pages or I can keep it all on one.

I have at least one page for each story I'm plotting or writing.

Now I can have my journal and use it, too.

Recipes: Crock Pot Meals

I have found two websites definitely worth saving and I thought I'd drop them here, especially since one of my clients asked me about the crock pot meals.

• http://www.savingyoudinero.com/2012/06/12/1-hour-1-mess-5-crock-pot-meals/

Do all your shopping for the week, freeze the meals and drop them in a crock pot before you leave for work. Dinner is ready when you get home. I've done all the recipes and they were all good. Some of them I had to tweak because I don't like my food quite as spicy or sometimes it needs a little beefing up for the family. I'll post the tweaks I've made sometime in the future.

• http://www.buzzfeed.com/emofly/one-pot-pastas?bffbfood

One pot dinners are amazing. If I don't have to use more than one pot, bowl or kettle for a dinner on a weeknight, I'm in love. (See the chicken pot pie soup and chicken or beef pot pie recipes if you need clarification!) I've not yet tried these, but they look incredible. Again, as I work through the recipes, I'll post any tweaks I've made.

Massage: Being "Too Helpful"

There are a few things that make my job more difficult during a massage. Many times clients will hold their arms up where they think I want the limb positioned. Sometimes they will pick up each finger in secession as I massage each one. They anticipate where I will work next. When I adjust their head or move their hair, they pick their heads up from the table. Some clients will hold their heads rigid while I work their neck and don't allow their heads to move with the natural flow of the massage. Instead of allowing their head to roll to the side, they will tense against the work I am doing. When I undrape their leg, they move it closer to the edge of the table.

Many of these motions are unnecessary. In the six years I have been doing massage, I've gotten very good at picking up limp body parts and positioning heads or limbs where necessary. The general rule in my massage is "If I need you to move, I'll tell you or I'll do it myself". I can pick your head up and adjust your hair. I am able to pick up each of your fingers on my own. Your leg is fine where it is. Your only job is to enjoy the massage. And I will never tell you to "just relax" because the first thing you do is tense.

Many of my clients aren't aware they're being too helpful during a massage. They don't know that instead of just allowing my massage to flow as I pick up each relaxed finger, I have to look down at their hand instead. I'm no longer intuitively following the flow of their body and where their muscles need focus. Instead I am focused on how high they're lifting their finger, which finger they're lifting, how much tension they're holding and if that tension is from their help or if it's instead from muscle tightness. I move from the fingers to the wrist and then into the forearm. As I friction up the forearm, their elbow goes rigid. They hold their arm up from the table.

I gently shake their arm and wait for them to allow me to do my job. I move into kneading or circular friction depending on the client. I've stopped picking up arms like many of my coworkers do. I allow them to lie on the table. Too many people would unintentionally straighten their arms and shove me away from the table. Sometimes I can completely let go of someone's arm and they'll hold it in the air. I call this the "ET phone home".

The worst part for me is when clients won't allow their bodies move to the rhythm of the massage. I do quite a lot of muscle stripping during neck massage. I begin at the point of the shoulder and move toward the head in one long, deep stroke. A client's head should slowly turn away as I work and then very gently roll back toward me. This motion should just happen. There is no effort involved on the client's part. It happens with the stroke of my massage. If I am putting my body weight into the base of their skull to try and force the head to turn and I can actively feel the client pressing back against me, that signals two things: they are not relaxed or the pressure is too much.

Unless your therapist specifically asks you to do so, do not:

1. hold your arm up for them. We are all quite capable of lifting and holding your arm. You do not need to hold it up for us. I promise.
2. lift each finger to meet them. We follow a groove. Many times I am not even looking at your hand as I'm working, I'm focused on how the muscle feels. I don't see with my eyes as much as I see with my fingers.
3. lift your head. Your head is not heavy. You do not have to pick it up or move your hair for me. I will do that for you. When I do a lift or stretch, you don't have to move your head. Many times I am testing the motion of the muscle.
4. fight against the massage. If you're fighting against the motion I'm making, you aren't doing yourself any favors. It actively works against what I'm trying to accomplish with my work. I can't get in as deep and you won't feel lasting benefits from the massage.
5. move your leg closer to the edge of the table. If you are not in a good position for me to work, I will move you or ask you to move for me. Many times when you move, it puts your leg so close to the edge I can't stand close enough to the table while still working.
6. lift your legs so we can adjust the bolster. I've been kicked in the face twice and almost kicked another three. Not to mention I don't know where the bolster needs to be when your legs are bent at a ninety degree angle. Leave them on the table so I can place the bolster at the curve of your ankle where it belongs.

In addition to distracting me from the work I'm doing, some of these motions will affect my body mechanics. Poor body mechanics lead to wear and tear on the therapist's body. We want to do this job for a long time. If you want to be helpful to us, let us do what we love to do while you get the massage you need.

Massage: Bitching and Moaning

My career is one based on giving of one's self. We spend an hour at a time with our clients. We base our entire treatment on the needs and desires of our clients. We customize each treatment to best fulfill the muscular needs with our client's comfort. We listen. We offer suggestion. We take what they tell us and create a game plan. When we walk back into that room, we execute our plan of action and hope, by the time we are done, that the person on our table is satisfied and in less pain or stress than they were when they entered the room. 

That's my job. I take a string of symptoms and sore spots and I work my clients over until their bodies feel better. That's what I do. 

That's what I love. I love what I do.

What makes my job difficult is legion. And each one of them is like a burr under my saddle. Each repeated irritation adds another nettle sting to the already irritated sore spot. And eventually I end up where I am now. I give every ounce of what I have to my clients every day. I put up with each little offense and never utter a single word.  But eventually that valve will blow.

I will never tell a client the things they do that annoy me. I will gently suggest they relax or let their bodies feel heavy. I will ask about pressure. I will strengthen or lessen my pressure based on their preference. I am never upset when someone tells me they need more or less pressure. However, certain circumstances make me grit my teeth.

There is some unspoken law regarding massage that makes clients think they have to have me bury my elbows in their spine in order to do any work. Some of my saddle sores are from statements like:

1. "You can't hurt me." (Yes, I can, but that's not the point.)
2. "Oh, I want DEEP." (They usually tell me to back off from my medium pressure.)
3. "I get deep tissue all the time." (They then crawl all over the table, wince, flinch and won't tell me the pressure is too much, even when asked and coached as to what indicates too much pressure.)

There are "helpful" clients. They aren't always intentionally helpful, but their fingers are rigid. Their arms are straight at the elbow. If I were to let go of their arm, instead of dropping to the table, it would be held up in a goosestep salute. When I make a pass from the shoulder to the base of the skull, a client's head should roll loosely to the side. It shouldn't stay rigid in a neutral position. It shouldn't roll all the way to the side and then all the way back so the chin touches the shoulder. In no way should a client be actively moving their head for any of these motions. That's our job. That's what we do. If we need you to move, we either do it for you, or we ask you to move. My goal is to move you without you doing anything other than relaxing, focusing on your breathing and chilling out. If I lift your head, you don't have to pick it all the way up for me. If I lift the blanket to move your arm, you don't have to move it for me unless you have your hands folded up over your breasts and you are female. I won't go fishing under blankets near someone's breasts for their wrist. In that case, I will ask you for your arm. You definitely do not have to bend your leg at the knee when I move the pillow under your ankles. I've been kicked in the nose four separate times and had a few near misses. Once I even got a bloody nose because the client brought his feet up hard and fast. He clocked me square in the nose. I don't think he even knew he'd done it.

When you come in for a massage and your hair is pulled back in a ponytail, that's fine. You don't have to pull it down. If you do pull it down, pull your hair away from your shoulders and let it hang over the edge of the table. If you don't do these things, don't worry. I will do it for you. You don't have to lift your head. I promise. I have many years of experience with this.

If you could please remove your jewelery, especially if you are wearing a fine chain necklace, that is amazing. If you don't, no worries. I have experience working around it. If it's really in the way and I'm afraid I'll break it, I will ask you to remove it. If you need help putting removed jewelery back on, ask me. I will help you. So will the receptionist. No worries.

Our oils are expensive. They are formulated specifically for glide and absorption. This does not make them any better for your skin than most over the counter formulas. (Unless you're seeing an aesthetician. They have special formulations and cleansers.) Please drink plenty of water and use moisturizers for your skin. I have several clients who come in with sandpaper skin. I have to use triple the oil for them just so I can do my job. I pay for my own oils. My pay is reduced by the cost of the oil and supplies I use. You can get plain grapeseed oil in the drugstore. You can also find it in the cooking aisle. It's just as good for your skin as the cold press oil I use for massage. Here's a secret: if I run out of my pro-grade, I use the cooking variety. The glide is less and it gets sticky a little quicker, but it works in a pinch. Most normal moisture needs don't need glide. Glide is necessary for repeated motions of hands over skin, such as in a massage. When moisturizing, you rub until the oil is absorbed. It's really all the same thing. Granted, there are some therapists who use specialized oils that may be formulated to be better for the skin than my oil. Unless you bring your own oil, you don't know what you're going to get when you go in for a massage. I will never, never, NEVER tell you that your skin is dry or that it's eating my oil. EVER. I will never make you feel uncomfortable like that. Additionally, in the winter, most people's skin eats the oil. I spend more on oil in the fall and winter and early spring than I do the rest of the year. I have to use about twice the oil depending on the hydration and moisture levels of my clients. Some of y'all surprise me and I use WAY too much oil on the first pass. I will never get tired of this. I will most times grin broadly.

Feel free to bring your own oil. If you have something you like, we can work with it. Please bring in your own music. We get tired of listening to the same thing over and over again on repeat. Please.

Show up for your appointment. If you don't show up, please call. Please call with at least two hours in advance unless you blew a tire or someone had to go to the hospital or you're in a ditch somewhere. Then your priorities are on you and yours. I don't get paid if I don't have a paying client on my table for that hour. The more notice you can give me that you got called in to work, the more chance I have to rebook that appointment with someone else. If you completely forget, it would be an incredible gesture for you to phone in gratuity for me. Whatever you would have paid me after your massage. Standard tipping is 20% of your bill. Even if it's only five dollars, it is a gesture greatly appreciated.

Then there are things that come with working in a business with other therapists. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. I will get a client on my table. They tell me I did a great job. They sometimes say it's the best massage they've ever gotten. They refer their son, their daughter and their hairdresser to me. Then they get on the schedule with another therapist. Repeatedly. And request them. I've lost several clients to another therapist I consider a friend. While I'm glad she's booking... I'm disappointed to have lost that business. Did I offend? Did I stop doing the job they wanted? Did I talk too much? Too little? I have the exact same schedule as that other therapist. Why would they go somewhere else if I'm the best they've had?

I understand the clients belong to the business, but I would really like to book at the higher rate. I would really like to have a steady, repeat clientele that I don't have to learn their body, make notes and never see them again. I like to be able to walk into the room, look at my client, call them by name and ask if we're doing anything different today. Meaning I know exactly what they want. Without them telling me. I know where their trouble spots are and all their health concerns.

Speaking of health concerns: I cannot stress enough that you need to disclose your medical history. If you have leukemia, even if it is in remission, we need to know that. If you have diabetes. We need to know. Congestive heart failure. Hell yes. Have doctor diagnosed sciatica or fibromyalgia. Yes. Please. Ringworm? Tell us that on the phone before you come in so we can tell you to get that shit treated before you come in because you'll have wasted the trip to the clinic and I will have to burn my sheets. I'm not even kidding. I will literally have to burn the sheets because ringworm is that frigging contagious and I cannot work if I have it. Pink eye? Same deal minus burning the sheets. SARS? Should be a no brainer. Shingles we cannot work on if you have blisters. Even if it's something you think inconsequential, let us know. Any recent surgeries. Scars sensitive to the touch.

On a similar note: if you have areas you want to have focus on or if there is an area bothering you, please tell us. We want to work out those painful spots. Please be open to our suggestion. If you have a headache, massaging your scalp might feel good, but it's not the root cause. Most of the time the pain is in the neck, the attachments at the base of the skull, your shoulders and between your shoulderblades. Yes, all those areas need worked. In the case of one client I worked on for over a year before I figured it out, sometimes your headaches are in your gluts. Yes, your gluts are your butt cheeks. Yes we do massage that. No we're not being perverts. There are big muscles there that move the thigh and yes you do need those worked on.

We always say undress down to your comfort level. I have had clients wear tee shirts and yoga pants while on the table. It is incredibly unwieldy to work around. While it saves me oil, you don't really get the same benefit from the massage as you would with hand to skin contact. I can't quite feel the trouble areas as well through clothes. I will absolutely never tell you that you need to undress further. However, there are benefits to undressing. I will not judge your body. I don't care that you haven't shaved your legs. Or your armpits. Or your stomach. I don't care that you have blemishes or that your feet stink. I do, too. I don't care that you came from the gym. That your palms sweat. That your legs sweat. I can use the sheet to dry them so the oil can penetrate the skin. I don't care that you have dry skin and it rolls off as I work on you. I don't care that your sunburn peeled off your shoulders on my table. My hands exfoliate. I don't care if you're hairy. I'l just use more oil. I don't care if you're fat or thin. Black, white, Indian, Hispanic, any form of Asian. I don't care if you speak broken English as long as we can get across to one another what hurts and if the pressure is too much or too little. I don't care if you're old. I don't care if you have extra skin. I don't care if you have wrinkles or stretch marks or haven't washed your hair in three days. I don't care. I don't. I promise.

Who the hell am I to judge you?

I want you to come into my room. I want you to cast off your self-judgements. Tell me exactly what you want. Be selfish. This is your time. This is when you look at another person and say "I need". And it's okay. Because that's what I'm there for. "I need my back and shoulders to stop hurting." Done. "I need this headache to go away." I can help with that. "I need a million dollars and a pony." Unfortunately, there are some limits to my skills and this is one of them.

If you want to talk to me, awesome. Start a conversation. Keep it going if you want to. If you don't want to talk, just tell me you only want to relax. I can do that. I'll do whatever I can do within the professional boundaries of massage therapy to make you feel better. I promise.

Don't fight against me. If the pressure makes you want to tense, flinch, pull away... say so. Tell me to back it down a little bit. You won't hurt my feelings. You're not going to make me hate you. I don't want you to lay there and suffer. If you need less pressure in your right shoulder, but more pressure in the left and the neck is light pressure but your arms need deep, TELL ME. I want you to get whatever I can give you out of your massage. Do not lay there and make me guess. If you flinch, I will ask about pressure. If I see it. If your shoulder is coming up off the table and you're holding it in the air and I have to fight against your muscle, I'm going to recommend we drop back the pressure. If I have to fight you, not only am I hurting myself, I'm also not doing your muscles any favors. I can't get to the deeper tissues if the surface tissue is tight to protect you against too much pressure. Not to mention you're going to feel like I ran over you with a truck. I don't get off on hurting people. I don't want to make you feel worse tomorrow than you did when you came in today.

My job has had a lot of people complaining. About everything. Most at the administrator who happens to be my girlfriend. She gets sick of arguing with us over what we bitch about.

We bitch when we don't book. We bitch when we do. We bitch when we have to do deep pressure. We bitch when we have to do relaxation. We bitch when we get clients who we find difficult to work on. I have one client that keeps coming to me that I SWEAR hates my massage. Every time I've seen him on my schedule, I wonder out loud why. There are clients whom have never actually done anything I could qualify as crossing a line into perv territory, but they dance right the hell around that line. Couples massages are done in a tiny, cramped room that is always a million degrees hotter in the winter and colder in the summer. Reflexology makes my hands hurt. Prenatal massage is boring and awkward.

I have hit a point (and this is what I've been trying to get at from the beginning) where I am incredibly negative and irritated that I have to, you know, do my job. I get mad that clients schedule with other therapists. I get angry that they fight me. That I have to physically restrain their head to do my job without them pinching my hand between their chin and their shoulder. I have to fight them to relax and end up hurting myself in the process.

I love my job, but the little things are bothering me. I need time off, but I can't afford it. I don't get paid vacation or insurance.

All I do is complain. All the time. And it annoys the hell out of me. Especially when I bitch that other people are bitching and that they shouldn't be bitching and then bitch about the same things myself.

I think I need institutionalized.

BJDs: Wigs and Sweaters

I've recently purchased A Bobobie Gang and since everything I've tried to do with my Pixiu hasn't turned out right, I thought I'd start with Gang instead.

The wig cap tutorial I found once upon a time is now gone. I don't know if the person who made it just took it down or what happened. So I begin my search again and post links so I can find them again later.

http://parabox.jp/eng_new/custom/custom-wig4.html

http://sewingboxdesignsbjdclothing.blogspot.com/2012/10/making-mohair-doll-wig-putting-it.html

http://woodlandearthstudio.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=44&t=3589

I'm still trying to find the tutorial to make your own cap, but I've found one I'm going to attempt with some fine mesh.

I've been trying to create a sweater for my Pixiu since I bought him. I first tried to learn knitting and I can't do the whole two needle thing. I then taught myself crochet. Something about the hook makes my life easier. The only problem is, most ball joint doll patterns seem to be written for knitting and not crochet. As a matter of fact, most patterns in general seem to be for knit and not crochet.

I found an article by UndermostSalamander that discusses resizing patterns for dolls and I am in the process of doing a test swatch. I will be posting my results on my Ravelry page and the blog.

Now to get to work on a test swatch! I'll post updates on this post as it happens.