Show me your Teeth

I am not normally forthright about the condition of my teeth. My mouth has been a train wreck since I was seventeen. I came down with mono and was so sick I could barely stay awake long enough to eat. The only thing other than water I ate or drank was milkshakes my mom put protein powder into. I lost 35 pounds.

When I finally woke up and could stay awake longer than it took to drink a small milkshake or pee, my mouth was a mess. The gum tissue was pulling away from my teeth on the bottom. The dentist called it trench mouth. I went on a round of antibiotics and was told to brush my teeth in an upward motion until the gum tissue tightened around my teeth again.

It never did.

I saw many dentists. One asked me if I was a meth addict. Another pulled back in revulsion when he looked in my mouth. Another hygenist sneered at me and snottily told me "you need to brush your teeth more". I asked how many more times than four I needed to brush in a day. She told me to brush after anything I ate or drank that was not water. That made things WORSE. So I stopped brushing more than twice a day unless I ate something sugary. My mouth got a little better when I got my tongue pierced, so I continued rinsing in the middle of the day with Listerine.

Then my teeth started to fall out. When the first one fell out, the dentist went through my mouth listing all the extractions. Which was all of them. And didn't know there were only three levels of movement in the mouth. Which even I knew and I'm not in the dentistry field. They were quoting me 8 grand and telling me I had to take out loans and let them work on me that immediate day. Which, no. I don't. High pressure sales in dentistry is a really, REALLY stupid idea.

I haven't let anyone look at my mouth since then. Six of my lower teeth fell out. I have an impacted wisdom tooth on the right side and, most recently, one of the teeth that came in with no enamel rotted down to the root. I was in enough pain I was taking 2000mg of Tylenol every four hours for almost a week.

The teeth had to go. I am a big sissy pants. I put my big girl panties on, called a dentist office and went in. They did two extractions today, checked my teeth for gum disease and gave me some recommendations. Thankfully the dentist had a cancellation after me and was able to do the extractions today. As the Novocaine is wearing off and the Tylenol has already passed through my system, I am in only very minimal pain. I'm almost regretting filling the Vicodin they gave me, although I am going to take that tonight to sleep. That's when my mouth hurt the worst.

I still have a long road to go. I need at least another 8 extractions and a bottom denture. They recommended doing the upper as well because of my severe overbite. My teeth are a mess and nine years of braces did nothing to correct it. I blame part of my lower jaw issues on the way they moved my bottom teeth around while I was in braces.

Whatever the issue, I am spending the money to get things cleaned, filled, pulled, replaced and taken care of. It took a lot of courage to do something so many people consider so simple. I did a very brave thing for me today. And I made it through the injections with no problems. It was only once it was all over that I fainted and convulsed. Yay vasovagal syncope. The oxygen smelled like an orange dreamcicle. I kinda want one now.

It's soft foods for me the next couple days. So, in honor of that, I'm going to share this recipe I found for funnel cake bites. I figure I might be able to eat those without much hassle. Lots of pudding, protein shakes, smoothies and mac and cheese for me!

Funnel Cake Bites

2 cups milk
1 egg
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 cups flour
pinch of salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 Tablespoons sugar
6 Tablespoons melted butter

Mix wet ingredients. Add dry. Mix until smooth. Pour into a gallon zipper bag.

Pour 1/2 oil into a pan and eat on high, then turn down to medium/med-high. Make dots of batter in the oil, let cook until browned, then turn over. Serve like you would a funnel cake or eat plain because that's delicious, too. Be super careful with the hot oil and let it cool completely before disposing of it. Fires can occur. The last thing I want is someone burning their house down to eat something I suggested.